Men are from Mars - Gray

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray - 3/5

"Men are From Mars, Woman are From Venus" (MAFM) is filled with insightful advice and many illustrative examples on how to communicate effectively in relationships. Gray places a large emphasis on the importance of marital relationships and endeavors to help couples, going through rough times, to communicate effectively with each other. Within the context of modern society, where marriage is very often presented in popular media as an archaic social construct, it is refreshing to find a person that regards marriage with such high esteem.

MAFM explores some of the fundamental differences between men and women and seeks to explain why men/women act in the way they do. Gray aims to help readers to understand "how completely different men and women are" but encouragingly teaches "ways for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite sex." Gray places a large emphasis on "practical techniques" and calls MAFM "a practical manual for how to succeed in creating loving relationships." MAFM is drawn from the author¡¦s own observations in an active counseling practice and from his own experience as a married man and father.

Men are described as "rubber bands." According to Gray, a man needs to "pull away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy." Gray asserts that if men do "not have an opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to feel close." Gray also observes, "When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem." Women, on the other hand, are described as "waves." "When she feels loved," says Gray, "her (a woman¡¦s) self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion." Gray notes that, "a woman¡¦s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself." Gray also asserts women, in general, "feel better by talking about solving problems."

Gray asserts, "Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love." He then identifies the primary needs of men as "trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement." Woman¡¦s primary emotional needs, says Gray, are "caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance." Once these primary needs have been isolated, Gray argues that, for a successful relationship, a husband must be willing to meet the emotional needs of his wife and vice versa. If men/women do not set out to fulfill each other¡¦s needs then they may be unknowingly hurting their partner. "Love," says Gray, "often fails because people instinctively give what they want¡K.So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other¡¦s needs." Gray asserts that "if men and women learn how to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic."

Gray also addresses the complex issue of arguments, and how they can be avoided. He asserts that men and women should "negotiate" for what they want but that they shouldn¡¦t "argue." "The secret to avoiding arguments," says Gray, "is loving and respectful communication." He stresses that arguments should be identified and, once identified, people should stop and take a time out. He says that arguments are started for one reason: "we are not feeling loved." Although there may be apparent surface issues the deeper issue is the lack of love that a person feels. During difficult times in a relationship, it is important, according to Gray, "to try to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude." If we endeavor to understand the emotional needs of our partner and work towards meeting those needs then arguments can be avoided.

Gray also sets about illuminating positive methods to communicate difficult emotions and needs to ones partner. He acknowledges the importance of having emotional needs met and constantly emphasizes that we need to inform our partners as to what those needs are and how to communicate those needs effectively to each other. His use of letters with clearly defined formats that encourage simple and meaningful communication are novel in their method and style. It is certainly something I will attempt to use in the future when I wish to communicate difficult feelings to my wife.

Although I find myself in agreement with much that is in this book, I do not agree with the expectations that he places within people. Gray talks about the "love you deserve" and emphasizes this point towards the end of the book. I do not believe that it is correct to expect anything within a relationship although I feel I am obliged to give 100%. If I expect certain needs to be met, and those needs are not met, I will feel very disappointed. Other points I disagree with is his insistence that we get in touch with our repressed, painful feelings. Although they need to be worked out, we should not hover over them and be victims to them. We should rather empower ourselves in the here and now than be slaves to the past.

Apart from these differences, I found MAFM to be an encouraging book that delves into the depths of relationships and the causes for failures. The practical examples that are provided are insightful and do reflect the reality of relationships. Ultimately, this book is no guarantee to successful relationships, but rather it provides willing partners, who are both prepared to commit 100% to the relationship, greater understanding into the psych of their chosen one. MAFM shows how men and women can work with each other to enhance the good in their relationship and how they can confront difficult and troubling circumstances with hope.

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